I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
