I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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