This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
