this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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