I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
