I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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