3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
