Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
