The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
