Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
