Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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