Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
