Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
