She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
