If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
