totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In other news, I just burned my penis
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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