i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
