Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
