She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
