And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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