I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im holly from the hills drunk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
