I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
