dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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