you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
