You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
