What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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