I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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