My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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