There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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