Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
