At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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