Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
