Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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