I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
