seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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