you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
