I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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