I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
