Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
