I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
