Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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