the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
