Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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