So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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