That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
