CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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