I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
A bitchslap is in order.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
