Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
