You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
