so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
