god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
